July 24, 2010

Disgraced Former Governor Looks Forward to New Identifying Reference

NEW YORK , NY – Disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer, who is slated to be the host of a new nightly program on CNN, said he is looking forward to the opportunity if for no other reason than to finally escape having “disgraced former governor” as the standard reference used by the media to describe him.

“It will certainly be nice to be referred to as ‘CNN host Eliot Spitzer’ for a change,” the disgraced former governor noted.

Spitzer said he had considered a number of possible ways to alter the brief identifying reference the media uses for him. “I knew I would have to do something really sensational to overshadow the disgrace I brought upon myself and my former office as governor,” he explained. “For example, I imagined that ‘world figure skating champion Eliot Spitzer’ might do the trick. But, of course, I soon realized – not long after my ill-fated attempt at the first-ever aerial somersault on ice – that even the most spectacular acrobatic feat would not fully compensate for a basic inability to skate.”

“It was clear that I needed to do something both noteworthy yet at the same time within my skill set,” Spitzer said, with the same measured tone in his voice that he formerly used as governor prior to resigning in disgrace. “I had hoped that joining my father’s business might eventually lead to a reference as ‘real estate magnate Eliot Spitzer,’ but the closest I got was when The New York Times referred to me as ‘Eliot Spitzer, the disgraced former governor turned real estate magnate.’ So, that obviously wasn’t going to work.”

Spitzer said he knew he needed to do some deep thinking about his next move, so he retreated to his Long Island estate, the same place he went to consider his future prior to resigning the governorship of New York in disgrace after his extra-marital affair with a prostitute was revealed.

According to sources close to the disgraced former governor, Spitzer bounced numerous ideas off his family and friends during several weeks of soul-searching introspection. One of them reported having been awakened in the middle of the night by a phone call during which a familiar voice on the other end said only, “Erotic pole dancer Eliot Spitzer? Pillsbury Bake-Off winner Eliot Spitzer? Hair Club for Men president Eliot Spitzer?” before trailing off in a stream of incoherent mumbling.

“I admit that was a low point for me,” Spitzer said with regard to similar phone calls reported by multiple acquaintances. “I really don’t know what I was thinking of. Why I ever imagined that ‘convicted serial killer Eliot Spitzer’ would be preferable to ‘disgraced former governor’ is beyond me. Obviously, change just for the sake of change was not the answer.”

Spitzer said that was why he immediately jumped at CNN’s offer to for him to serve as the host of a program on the network, the exact format of which has yet to be determined. When asked whether it wasn’t likely that the Times would be referring to him as “disgraced former governor turned CNN host Eliot Spitzer,” he replied, “Sure, for a while, I guess, but they’ll get tired of that sooner or later. After all, celebrity trumps scandal. Look at Hugh Grant. And he was caught with a transvestite prostitute.”

Spitzer said that, prior to receiving CNN’s offer, he had seriously considered withdrawing from public life altogether. “That’s the added bonus of going to work for CNN,” he noted. “Given their ratings these days, I’ll be able to reinvent myself and earn a good income while still disappearing almost totally from public view.”


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