Automatic E-Mail Response

Dear Sender,

This is an automatic response to your e-mail. I am currently away from my office with limited access to e-mail. I will respond to your message as soon as possible.

Okay, in fact, that is only partially true. The truth is that I am still in my office but have already turned on my automatic e-mail response because I need to finish some work before my taxi comes to take me to the airport. Once that happens, however, then the statement above will be true.

Actually, even then it won’t be completely true because I will still have full access to my e-mail in the taxi and at the airport and even in the plane, but then…

…well, then it will be even less true because I will be vacationing at the new Palais Royale On-Line Porn Hotel and Casino complex in Macau, which has one of the fastest WiFi broadband internet connections in the world (24 MBs!), enabling the streaming of high-definition, large-screen on-line porn in all of its 2,700 well-appointed rooms and suites.

Therefore, in place of the expression “limited access to e-mail” which I used above, it would be more accurate to say “those limited occasions when I am not watching high-definition, large-screen on-line porn in my well-appointed room.”

In addition to having incredibly fast internet in my well-appointed room, I will also have access to a balcony with a majestic view of the sea. But who really cares when you’ve got access to that kind of high-definition, large-screen on-line porn?

Here’s the point. If you are picturing me sitting on my balcony majestically overlooking the sea, browsing through my e-mails from dear friends and valued colleagues and writing responses to them, you would be wrong. That is not going to happen.

It is also not going to happen that, as I wrote above, “I will respond to your message as soon as possible.” On those occasions when I take a break from watching high-definition, large-screen on-line porn in my well-appointed room, it is entirely possible that I will scan through the e-mails which I have received and may even respond to some of them.

This assumes, of course, that I have any strength left in my wrists.

With regard to whether and how quickly I will read and possibly respond to your message, following are some guidelines:

• If the subject line of your message begins with “RE:” or “FW:”, I will not read it.

• If the address section of your message shows that it has been sent to numerous other people besides me, not only will I not read it, I will also immediately delete it.

• If your message is marked as “urgent” with a red exclamation point, not only will I delete it without reading it, I will first print it out and then burn it.

• If your message is: “Based on your automatic response, I thought you might appreciate this link to some high-definition on-line porn suitable for large-screen viewing,” you can expect a reply of appreciation within 72 hours, assuming that the link is of acceptable quality in terms of both content and buffering.  Please be patient. Remember that wrist thing I mentioned before.

In addition, please note that I will also not be updating my status on Facebook, nor will I be “liking” any updates to your status or the statuses of any of my other Facebook friends.

What I will be “liking” is the fact that the high-definition, large-screen on-line porn provided by the Palais Royale On-Line Porn Hotel and Casino complex has an incredible video mode of 1080p, a crisp frame rate of 60Hz, and  grand total of 2,073,600 pixels per image!!!

Moreover, I also will not be interacting with you or anyone else via Twitter, Google+, Yammer, Reddit, Pinterest, Flickr, Netlog, Myspace, Goodreads, Habbo, Bebo, Foursquare, Friendster, Elixio or Classmates.com.

However, this does not represent any change, as I have never used any of them.

Finally, in cases of extreme urgency, please feel free to call me on my cell phone. If I do not answer your call, you may assume that I am outside on the balcony of my well-appointed room.

And, again, you would be wrong.

1 comment

1. J. Galligan says:

   March 8, 2013 at 2:11 pm

   #3
   The email server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

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