I’m pleased to send you this update on our Empire’s great success during the last quarter. Thanks to your outstanding efforts, we’ve achieved a tremendous amount and are on track to meet all of our objectives for the current year.
Without a doubt, the most significant news is the recent completion of our magnificent new battle station. It is truly an impressive achievement, one in which we can all take great pride. I’m also excited to announce the winner of our team competition to think of a name for it. Congratulations to Midshipman Argo Mogoya for his winning entry: “the Death Star.” What a super name!
We received so many terrific ideas from all of you that it was difficult for us to choose just one winner. I’d like to acknowledge the competition’s runner-up, Ensign Voran Ingracius, for his entry: “the Killer Moon.” Also, a tip of the hat to Gunnery Sergeant Lasco Samegma, for his third-place entry: “the Really Scary-Looking Giant Space Ball.”
Next, I’m very happy to announce the name of our “Empire Employee of the Quarter.” It’s Chief Engineer Grin Woldanu, who was recognized for his ingenious design of our new battle station’s thermal exhaust port. Way to go, Grin!
I know that Grin would like to acknowledge the contribution of his entire engineering team, in particular his deputy Sangu Donkat, who cleverly pointed out the possibility that a small one-man fighter could theoretically drop a photon torpedo down the thermal exhaust port, which leads directly to the main reactor, thereby causing a chain reaction that would completely destroy our “Death Star.”
To do so, however, such a fighter would somehow have to penetrate our battle station’s outer as well as inner defenses and miraculously drop its photon torpedo precisely into the thermal exhaust port, which is only two meters wide. Our defense analysts have calculated the odds of such an attack succeeding at more than a billion to one. So, no worries, but our great thanks to Sangu nevertheless for the heads up!
In personnel news, I’m pleased to announce the appointment of Tan Enauwi to the position of our new battle station’s First Officer. Tan takes over the position from former First Officer Leno Kambi, who was telekinetically asphyxiated by Lord Vader after accidentally spilling hot coffee on him. I know that I speak for all of us when I say that Leno will be missed.
By the way, Lord Vader has asked me to pass along a personal message from him to all of you, and I think we can all take great inspiration from his words: “Do not fail me again!” T-shirts bearing this motivational message are now available for ordering via our employee intranet.
Finally, on behalf of Emperor Palpatine, Grand Moff Tarkin and the entire Empire leadership, I’d like to express our appreciation to all of you for your continued dedication and support. I know that by working together we can achieve our shared dream of destroying the Rebel Alliance and bringing order and peace to our galaxy.
As I write this, I’ve just received the exciting news that one of our mighty Imperial Star Destroyers has captured the rebel leader Princess Leia Organa and totally obliterated her home planet of Alderon. Glory to our Empire! Truly an occasion of new hope for us all.
Your Empire HR Department