November 19, 2014

Hitler’s Very Nervous Psychic

HitlerDuring World War II, Adolf Hitler consulted psychics and astrologers for signs, omens and dates most favorable for launching battles or invading small countries.                         − Jacqueline Roth, “Access Denied”

Scene: Berlin, January 10, 1943

JOSEF GOEBBLES: “Mein Fuhrer, the psychic you asked for is here to see you.”

ADOPLH HITLER: “Good. Send him in.”

PSYCHIC: “Heil, Hitler! Mein Furher, it is such a great honor…”

HITLER: “Yes, yes. Sit down. So, tell me, how do you do what you do? Do you use tea leaves, cards, a crystal ball?”

PSYCHIC: “No, mein Fuhrer. I use nothing. It is enough if someone just asks me a question about the future, and then the answer usually appears to me in my mind.”

HITLER: “Very good. Well, then, today there are reports that the Russians have launched an all-out assault on our troops in Stalingrad. Will we be able to hold the city?”

PSYCHIC: “Um…”

HITLER: “Well?”

PSYCHIC: “The thing is, um…”

HITLER: “Why aren’t you answering?! Will we hold Stalingrad?”

PSYCHIC: “Um… yes?”

HITLER: “Why do you say that like a question? And why are you sweating so much? Are you ill?”

PSYCHIC: “No, mein Fuhrer… I mean… um, actually, yes. Suddenly I don’t feel very well. Perhaps I should leave to avoid infecting you.”

HITLER: “Not yet. Sit back down. I have a few more questions.”

PSYCHIC: “Oh, dear…”

HITLER: “General Rommel is leading our troops in North Africa. Will he be successful in defeating the British forces in Libya under General Montgomery?”

PSYCHIC: “Um… wow, that’s a tough one! Did I mention that the answers to these kinds of questions usually appear to me in my mind, but not always? The truth is I’m actually not very good at this. It’s not even what I do for a living. It’s more of a sideline, really…”

HITLER: “Stop blabbering and answer the question! Or I’ll have you shot!”

PSYCHIC: “Well… okay then… yes, yes! I definitely see a big victory in North Africa for our glorious General Rummel.”

HITLER: “Rommel, you idiot! And will we also be successful in repelling an invasion of the European mainland by the allied forces if they ever attempt to do so?”

PSYCHIC: “You mean at Normandy, mein Fuhrer?”

HITLER: “Yes, dammit, or at Calais or Brittany or anywhere from the Netherlands to Denmark! Wherever they invade! Just answer the question!”

PSYCHIC: “I’m sure we will win, mein Fuhrer. Please don’t shoot me.”

HITLER: “Very well, then. One last question. When am I going to die and how?”

PSYCHIC: “Mein Fuhrer, I…um…”

HITLER: “I’m waiting.”

PSYCHIC: “Um, okay, wait. It’s coming to me. You are going to live to a very old age and you will die at my palatial estate in Monaco.”

HITLER: “You have a palatial estate in Monaco?”

PSYCHIC: “No, not yet.”

HITLER: “Goebbles! Buy this psychic a palatial estate in Monaco.”

PSYCHIC: “Thank you, mein Fuhrer!”

HITLER: “But for now, lock him away in a cell somewhere where I won’t see him until I’m ready to die.”

GOEBBLES: “Yes, mein Fuhrer. Nice try, psychic.”

PSYCHIC: “I really didn’t see that coming.”

 

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