I’m so mad. I’ve spent weeks planning what should be the greatest day of my life, the perfect wedding I’ve always dreamed of, and now at the last minute my mother’s going to spoil it, like she always spoils everything. Just because my fiancé, the man I love and who loves me with all his heart, happens to be a zombie.
Of course I know it seems “strange” to her. It was weird for me, too, the first time I saw him at that bar on Chambers Street. He was so unusual looking, sitting there in the corner, slumped against the wall, staring into space with that blank expression on his face and his mouth hanging open.
But then our eyes met, and for me it was as if the world suddenly stopped moving. I guess one reason was because he wasn’t moving. Zombies don’t move very easily. He just sat there looking straight at me without blinking, until finally I realized that I needed to make the first move, so I walked over and sat down next to him.
Then he did the sweetest thing. He rolled his eyes downward and looked at the table where we were sitting, which was covered with flakes of dead skin which had fallen off his face. Then he slowly lifted his hand and swept it across the table to clean it off. For me!
“Sorry,” he apologized, in that incredibly mournful voice of his, the sound of which immediately went straight to my heart. I didn’t even understand what he had said at first, because it came out like “Ssssssrrrrrrreeee.” It took me a while to get used to his way of speaking, but at that moment it didn’t matter. All I knew was that I was in love. Try explaining that to my mother.
“But, sweetie, he’s dead,” she keeps repeating. Like I don’t already know that.
“Daddy accepts him,” I told her. “Why can’t you? Why can’t you ever let me be happy?”
“Your father’s worried, too, dear,” she said in that know-it-all tone she uses whenever I do something she doesn’t approve of. “He’s just afraid of hurting your feelings, because he knows how upset you get when we tell you something you don’t want to hear.”
“Well, he’s right. I don’t want to hear this!” I told her. “For the first time in my life, I’ve found someone who really cares about me. He’s kind, thoughtful and responsible. He goes to work every day. Do you know how hard that is for him? His job is only three blocks from his apartment, but he walks so slowly that it takes him two hours to get there.”
“That’s nice,” my mother said, “But what about your future? Can you even have children together? What would they be? Half-dead?”
See what I mean? She’s always looking at the negative, seeing our future children as half-dead instead of as half-alive.
“I don’t care what you say or what you think,” I told her. “We’re getting married, and that’s it. The invitations have been sent out, all my friends are coming, and his family are already on their way.”
“On their way?” my mother exclaimed. “But the wedding’s not until next week!”
“Yes,” I explained. “But they’re walking, and they live across town.”
“His whole family are zombies?” my mother gasped.
“Of course,” I said. “They’re very close, not like this family, and they share everything with each other, including their condition.”
“So, when you marry him, he’s going to want you to become a zombie, too?”
“No, he loves me as I am,” I told her. “Can we please stop talking about this? I have to plan the reception menu, and I need your help.”
“What about roasted chicken?” my mother said. “Everyone likes chicken.”
“Well, his family doesn’t,” I said. “They only like human brains, so that’s what we’re having. I even managed to find a zombie caterer on my own, no thanks to you. Apparently he makes amazing sculpted brain dishes that look like swans.”
My mother sighed and said, “Can your father and I have chicken instead?”
“Fine!” I said. “Have whatever you want! What do I care? It’s only my wedding. So what if I die of embarrassment?”
That’s when my mother smirked and said, “Well, at least you’ll be more like your new husband.”
Honestly, I just could kill her.