Hi, Father. I’m here to make my confession that I didn’t get to make last Sunday because I told you all that other stuff about my family. This time I’m just going to tell you about the bad things I’ve done. But I’m not going to tell you, like I did last time, that it’s me, Johnny. I know you’re not supposed to know that.
I already told you that I haven’t been doing my homework. Is that a sin? I looked in the Bible, and I read those ten things you’re supposed to do and not do, but I didn’t see anything about doing your homework. I didn’t see anything about getting a D in math, either. Maybe I have an old version of the Bible. Is there a newer one? Maybe on-line?
I’m pretty sure I did break one of those rules, though. It’s the one about “coveting” somebody’s wife.
Are you okay, Father? I see your eyes through this tiny window and they have that same nervous look that you had last week.
Anyway, the thing is that I think I’m in love with my teacher, Mrs. Walker. She’s really pretty, has a great smile, and wears this perfume that smells amazing. When we’re doing a test and she comes by my desk and leans over me to look at how I’m doing, I get so dizzy that I’m afraid I’m going to fall out of my chair.
After I read those ten rules in the Bible, I asked my friend Jimmy what it means to “covet” somebody’s wife. He told me it means you want to kiss her. So, I guess I’m guilty of breaking that rule. I’m not sure, though, because it only says you’re not supposed to covet your “neighbor’s” wife, and Mrs. Walker and her husband aren’t my neighbors. They actually live on the other side of town. Does that count?
The other problem is that Mrs. Walker’s husband, Mr. Walker, is our hockey coach, and I really like him a lot. So, whenever I think about loosening the blades on his ice skates so that maybe he’ll slip, bang his head on the ice and die, so that I can marry Mrs. Walker, I feel pretty bad about myself.
I remember one time you talked in church about the danger of having “impure” thoughts. I guess that’s what I’ve been having about Mrs. Walker. I’ve also been having them about Suzy, the girl who sits in front of me in class, and about Maggie, the girl who sits behind me, and about Lizzie, the girl who sits on my left, and about Bobby, the boy who sits on my right, who kind of looks like a girl.
I’ve also been having them about the lady with really big breasts who works in the cafeteria, although I think she could be as old as my Grandma. And about Jennifer, my babysitter. And about Maria, the lady who cleans our house. I like to watch her use the vacuum cleaner.
And about the vacuum cleaner.
Did I say something funny, Father? I thought I heard you laugh. I didn’t mean that I’m in love with the vacuum cleaner. I meant that I was just thinking how I could use it to…
Oh, you already know what I mean? Okay, well, is that a sin? I didn’t see anything in the Bible about that, either.
You’re not sure? Wow, I guess you have a pretty hard job trying to figure stuff like that out. Maybe you can think about it and tell me next Sunday.
I promise that I’ll do my homework. The reason that I wasn’t doing it was because, when I didn’t, Mrs. Walker made me stay in school an extra hour. With her. That’s why I’m getting a D in math, too. I’m actually really good in math, but I like it when Mrs. Walker has to “help” me.
Anyway, thanks for listening, Father Dunphy. See you next week.
Oh, and my Grandma told me, “Say hello to Father Dummy for me!” And then she laughed that crazy laugh of hers again.