1. You are able to read this article. Since it’s written in Czech, a language which is spoken by only 0.14% of the world’s population, if you’re reading this and understanding it – unless you’re one of the few thousand immigrants to the Czech Republic who have bothered to learn the language – then it’s pretty obvious that you’re Czech.
2. You are interested in reading this article. If the title of this article made you want to read it, the overwhelming probability is that you are Czech. That’s because, with very few exceptions, no one else in the entire world gives a crap about the subject of Czech people. When people in other countries hear that someone is Czech – for example, Jaromír Jagr – their first thought usually is, “Um, okay, whatever.” Their second thought is, “Wow. I’ll bet he’s really happy that he escaped from that Czech place, wherever that is.”
3. You already hate this article but are still reading it. In fact, you are actually hoping that it gets even worse. The fact that it was written by an American is both annoying and thrilling at the same time. It doesn’t matter that it’s insulting. What matters is that it’s about you! It’s exciting just to be the center of attention. Please, you are thinking, say something absolutely horrible about Czech people. I won’t take offense. Really. I feel exactly the same way!
4. You are reading this over someone’s shoulder. You are riding on a metro, tram or bus, and when you overheard the person next to you laughing out loud in public it was so unusual that you decided to look over the person’s shoulder to see what he/she was reading, and then you started to read it, too, until…
5. You just noticed that someone is reading this over your shoulder. Well, yeah, okay, that’s a bit impolite, but you can’t really blame them, can you? You were laughing out loud in public. That’s weird, if you’re Czech… which you are, right? Of course you are. So get a grip. Look around. Everyone is staring at you.
6. Everyone is staring at you. Okay, now they’re not, but that’s because you looked at them, so they all looked away. Remember, it’s not paranoia if everyone is really out to get you.
7. You need to stop reading this for a minute in order to take a pee. Well, you know, all that beer.
8. You’d like to kill someone, but you know that you never will. You’re just too nice to do something like that. You’re basically a decent, gentle, peaceful and easygoing person. But, hey, you can still dream, can’t you? Maybe about putting an axe right through that person’s head? Oh, how they deserve it! No, stop. You shouldn’t think like that. Poison? Okay, okay. It was just a thought. The next time you see them, you’ll just say “Good day!” with a really ironic tone.
9. You know how to say “Good day!” with a really ironic tone. With the right intonation – using a deeper voice than you normally have and by clipping it short – you can make “Good day!” sound like “Go to hell, you stinking bastard!”
10. A part of you wishes that this list was longer, but another part of you is okay with the fact that it’s not. Hey, that’s the way it is. You’ve just got to take what life gives you. And, remember, every ending means the beginning of something new. Probably more crap.