April 23, 2014

Welcome to Heaven!

The pearly gates of Heaven being openedHello! Welcome to Heaven! Congratulations on reaching your eternal reward.

If you’ll just fill out these forms, we’ll be happy to get you started on your new life in paradise. Ha-ha, just kidding. There’s no paperwork in Heaven, for goodness sakes! You’ll never have to fill out a form again. Unless, of course, you really enjoy filling out forms, in which case you can do that to your heart’s content. “Whatever makes you happy.” That’s our slogan here.

Let’s start by showing you around and helping you get familiar with your new surroundings, shall we? And please, if you have any questions along the way, don’t hesitate to ask.

Yes, I had a feeling that was going to be your first question. What’s that heavenly smell? I think you know. That’s right. It’s weed. The best, naturally – a Kush hybrid with a faint purplish hue, perfectly plump buds, dried and cured to perfection. One or two hits is really all you’ll need, but of course feel free to smoke as much as you want. Don’t worry. You’ll never run out. Ever. And if you feel like smoking something different, you’re welcome to try any of the other 10,000 varieties in your new private stash.

Look! It appears that someone is already bringing you a joint. Why, my goodness, it’s Scarlett Johansson! No, no, don’t worry. Scarlett didn’t die. She’s still alive back on Earth. This is just your own Heavenly apparition of her. I don’t think the real Scarlett Johansson’s breasts are quite that big. But I definitely like the haircut you’ve chosen for her. That’s the one she had as Black Widow in “The Avengers,” isn’t it? Yes, that was one of her best.

Ahh, and you’ve started to notice the music, haven’t you? Everyone thinks that Heaven is constantly filled with the sound of angels playing harps, and of course that option is always available, if you prefer. It’s lovely, but it gets a bit tiresome after a while. Meanwhile, you seem to have chosen Spanish guitar music for some reason.

Oh, now I see why. Look who’s playing it. It’s Penelope Cruz. You didn’t know that she can play the guitar? Well, really, she can’t. But it seems that your Heavenly apparition of her can. The guitar also seems to be the only thing covering her otherwise naked body. Wait, now she’s just playing a harmonica. Good choice. She certainly has the lips for it.

Now, let’s see. What else? Over there is the ice cream stand. There are lots of delicious flavors for you to choose from, including about three million that haven’t been invented on Earth yet. And the stand is conveniently open from 9:00 a.m. until midnight. No, ha-ha. Again just kidding! It’s open all the time, of course. What am I talking about! It’s Heaven. There is no time here. Unless you want there to be. That’s totally up to you.

Hey, it looks like someone is having some ice cream at the stand. Why, it’s your children, when they were small. Aren’t they adorable! And they’re with your wife, the way she looked when your kids were that age. How lovely she was. Now here come your mother and your father, and your brothers and sisters, and your grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins! They all want ice cream, too.

Oh, my goodness, look at you. I see tears in your eyes. Go ahead and cry with happiness. That’s what Heaven is all about. Yes, that’s better. See how you’re smiling?

Wait, where did your family go? Now there’s only Scarlett and Penelope having ice cream, along with young Elizabeth Taylor and Natalie Wood and Marilyn Monroe and Susan Sarandon.

Well, I think you’re off to a good start. You’ll be fine. But, just in case, here’s my number. If there’s anything you need, or if you have any problems, just give me a call. Ha-ha! Just kidding. This is Heaven! You won’t have any problems.

And, hey, it’s Heaven for me, too. I don’t have a phone.



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