October 22, 2014

Honest Personal Ads

Single woman seeks successful and attractive man to solve all her problems.

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Single man seeks warm, caring woman who reminds him of his mother, but without being so much like his mother that it would be weird to have sex with her.

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Divorced woman seeks man who enjoys constant criticism, disdain, insults, mockery and moodiness. Satisfaction guaranteed.

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Divorced man, loud snorer, seeks woman with hearing impairment.

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Single woman, 62, seeks man who continues to read her personal ad after seeing that she is 62 years old and still single.

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Realistic man seeks beautiful, passionate, intelligent, easygoing, caring, and faithful soul mate, but will probably settle for first woman who is willing to sleep with him.

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Woman seeks man with steady job. Really. That’s all I want. Is that too much to ask? Honestly, I’m starting to wonder if it’s even possible.

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Single man who really enjoys beer, wine and spirits seeks female who can remind him where he lives when he calls her from the bar at 3 a.m.

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Woman seeks man who enjoys cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and taking care of children. If you’re like that, I’m not actually looking for a relationship with you. I just want to shoot a video of you and show it to my husband, who thinks you don’t exist.

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Man seeks reason to believe in God. A good example would be if he sent me two beautiful bisexual women who wanted to have a three-way with me.

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Woman who has been in way too many relationships with lousy liars seeks honest man, or at least one who can lie reasonably well.

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Shy man seeks… um, actually, no, that’s okay, never mind.

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Are you a woman who’s unlikely to notice that a cigarette butt in my ash tray has lipstick on it? Are you too busy to pay attention to the fact that my shirt smells like perfume that isn’t yours? Are you gullible enough to believe that I spend a lot of evenings “working out at the gym” even though my body isn’t muscular at all? If so, then this unfaithful man could be the perfect guy for you!

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Attractive man seeks woman who won’t laugh hysterically when he describes himself that way.

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Indecisive woman seeks (or maybe “desires” is a better word?) man… or maybe even a woman for that matter, if the chemistry is good (you never know, right?) for casual sex or else committed long-term relationship. Looks are not the most important thing, I don’t think, although I guess they do matter to some extent, probably a lot. Anyway, if interested, please call… or, no, send me your number and I’ll call you… maybe.

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Jewish male, 24, who deeply regrets having a swastika tattooed on his forehead after taking ecstasy at rave concert in Berlin, seeks extremely understanding Jewish female.

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Misanthrope seeks… no one! Certainly not any of you! You’re all pathetic fools!

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Passive woman seeks, um… well, who do you think I should be seeking?

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Pessimist seeks confirmation of his world view. No replies expected.

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Grandmother seeks someone who would like to have some cake. I just baked it. Doesn’t it smell good? It’s just going to go to waste if nobody eats it. Don’t tell me you’re on a diet. You’re so thin!

 

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